knomat?

You’ve seen them before - the old “type your name into google” trick.

Here’s a “Needs” meme for you. Type “YourName needs” into a google search. Proceed with laughter. Tell a friend.

Matt needs money. (True this.)
Matt needs to have his bottom bared and a paddling needs to be administered. (No comment.)
Matt needs to be punched in the face. (Dave?)
Matt needs prayers, and help and maybe just a balloon, a rainbow or a little fairy dust now and then, lets see if we cant help with some of those things. (I don’t know that any of this will help.)
Matt needs a family where he will receive support and consistency. (Got it.)
Matt needs both a mother figure and a strong male role model in his life. (That too.)
Matt needs to do my laundry for me. (I do the laundry of no one.)
Matt needs an XBOX 360. (Yes.)
When Matt needs to let off steam, he plays his drum. (It’s true.)
Matt needs someone to bend him over and give him 20 paddles in his shorts. (See above.)
Matt needs to not play every little blog meme that comes along. (Ironic.)
Matt needs to date a midget or something next. (I don’t discriminate.)
Matt needs to move on, as well as any other team member who is not willing to work at this deal. (I’m trying.)
Please donate to the “Matt needs new pants” fund. (Please. Seriously.)
Matt needs a boost desperately. (Like ya read about.)
Matt needs to be able to retain and create his own body heat. (No problem here.)
It may be that Matt needs surgery down below which will hopefully be done before Christmas. (Foot surgery?)
Matt needs help washing potatoes. (Doesn’t everyone?)
Matt needs to tone down the rhetoric a bit. (Do it for the pants.)
Matt needs to get away from these crazy people. Oh, and Matt needs a haircut too. (You’re telling me?)
Matt needs a tan. (What’s wrong with my farmer’s tan?)
Matt needs help coughing, moving at night, and using the bathroom. (On occasion, yes.)
Matt needs to shut up. (Fine.)

I’m always fairly amused by the catchy slogans I see on the boards outside of churches. When I go home to visit the ‘rents, there is always one just outside of town that I look forward to seeing what kind of lyrical wit they’ve come up with. The scariest one I’ve seen so far: “Turn or burn.”

This weekend on my trip home, I saw a particularly odd one.

“Live your life in such a way that the preacher doesn’t have to lie at your funeral.”

This just blew my mind. Discuss.

I don’t even need to put this in context.

The woman was carrying hand lotion, matches and a standard Phillips screwdriver, Marcinkiewicz said. Up to four books of matches and screwdrivers shorter than 7 inches are allowed on flights, according to the Transportation Security Administration. But under the tighter restrictions, hand lotion is not.

……….. WHAT?!

Hokay. Let me get this straight. Up to 4 books of matches. Bring ‘em! 6 inch screwdrivers. Stab away! Hand lotion. Hold the phones! We’ve got a hand lotion smuggler! Book ‘em!

Seriously, I understand this whole tighter security thing and I respect the desire to “protect our homeland.” Whatever. This is just plain silly.

Burn and stab all you want, but leave your moisturizer at home. This world has no room for soft hands.